The Last Hand

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The Last Hand

Post by Warleader » Thu Sep 21, 2006 1:08 am

I really don't know what to say about before, hell I don't even know if you'll read this I'm hoping you will.

Hell I don't know what to say, but I can at least respond in kind to you, this way perhaps we each can take a walk in each other's shoes.

Put yourself in my shoes.

You and I broke up...(You(s) is/are me, same format as yours) I lied to you about it and You figuired it out all by your lonesome, because you know me that well(or have damn good hunch, but whatever). You gave me another chance when you found out, you loved me, and knew the person(in your case a guy) was not right for me, you had been friends with them, you knew how that person was, you couldn’t stand to see me hurt by them, so you pushed me away. I said that I loved them, that I felt the same why for them that I did for you in the beginning.

You couldn’t bear to see me in pain, so you pushed me away, pained me, you hid yourself, burned your bridges, you buried the pain, used anything you could as an excuse. You lied to yourself, to everyone, told them you were over me, that you didn’t care, that I didn’t mean anything to you. Some knew you better then that, they saw through your lies, and would say things to make you realize what you were doing. You ignored them, you didn’t care, you started pursuing other people(your case guys), people you knew from work, people you knew from school. Hoping to forget, hoping to feel love or affection from others.

Yet there was always something wrong with them, the stupidest thing and you’d write them off, because they were not me. You would hang out with them, and enjoy yourself, live every moment like it was your last, and deep down inside you weren’t happy, it was but a fleeting pleasure. You were afraid of commiting to them, afraid that I would come back and you wouldn’t love me anymore, or you would love me and would feel wrong breaking up with the person. You turned down chances, ignored them, trying to find someone better then I in your mind. You were almost afraid of falling in love again and having the same thing happen as before. And more then anything, you wanted to give me time, you hoped deep down that any day I’d come running back to you, begging for you back wanting to be with you again.

After a while, my relationship didn’t work out, no biggy, the person was exactly who you thought they were, hell you did know them. You knew that it pained me, and you were conflicted, you were angry and did not want to get involved with me again, and yet also you ached for me, you wanted to ease my pain, ease your own pain too. We became good friends again, and planned to do stuff and hang out, you opened yourself up to me in a way you never had to anyone, and I opened myself up to you(I’m not you, so I dunno if you ever had been open like that to anyone). Suddenly I hide, and you don’t know what to do, you don’t know anything, yet you’re afraid to ask, afraid to feel the pain again. I hide, away from you, away from your life, you try to forget, but everything you do reminds you of me, and you wish I was with you, you wish you could turn back time and fix every stupid thing you did, you hate it, you hate doing what you did, you play back the past year in your mind, painstakingly analyze in your head every decision you made and regret it. Silence for over a month, you haven’t seen me, heard from me, or about me, you continue to fuck yourself over, why? Who the hell knows, but you do it, and realize later that is what you did. Poof, we start talking, you lie to yourself, you lie to me, you lie to everyone, bury your feelings, lock them up, try to be what I want you to be, I say I just want you to be my friend. You try to be an ass, try to keep me at arms length, lie to everyone about your reasons for spending time with me. You lie to yourself.

You do a damn good job. You’re feelings are buried, and yet they lay just beneath the surface, out of sight but not out of mind. One night, we hang out, it reminds you of the first time we did, you try to make it not like that, you try to be an ass, and then partway through the night, you feel something change, you decide to be nice, we go to take our separate ways, but neither one of us really wants to go, we embrace and you still are not exactly sure what to do, you think you know what I want, but you don’t know, so you go with the flow, I kiss you, and all those feelings are brought straight to the surface, all your promises to forget me, to never date me, you don’t care, you are willing to break them all, just to hold me once more, to touch me, to love and be loved by me. I push you away and yet keep you close, you’re confused, you try to be what I want, and yet you never are what I want you to be, or at least in your eyes, you love me and want me to be happy, but you have your own feelings, you are in terrible conflict, you suppress that and live the moment.

The way we act towards each other is just how we acted when we dated, but I say that I don’t want to date you, that I can’t date you now, that it wouldn’t work out. You fear this, you don’t know what to do, so you wait, wait to ask, wait to act, you wait. You’re afraid of what happened before, you don’t want it to happen again, but you push the fear aside, you’re willing to try, you’re willing to accept the pain and take it all, to chance it, just to love me again. I am not. I am afraid, and will not act, I beg for time and you agree, but you can’t help it, you worry that I’ll find someone else, you occasionally have thoughts that perhaps I am just using you, you begin asking me questions quite often, you know you can tell when I’m lying, you could always tell. You don’t know what to do, you are confused and conflicted. You wish for me to make up my mind, every day you wish for me to call you or to tell you how I feel, you would do anything for me, you love me more then anyone. You’d sacrifice everything for me. But you don’t know if I would for you.

You do stupid things, like usual, and I hide from you like usual, I’m not completely honest with you, and you know it, you always know. Someone likes me, you can tell, hell, lots of people like me, but someone I kind of like back, you can tell that too. So the person and I get to know each other a little better, and you can tell that too, you know I’m talking to the person whether I admit it or not, for god’s sake you’re not stupid. You know me probably as well as I know myself, you can almost predict my actions, though you usually hope I don’t act that way. So I’m dating and really liking this person, and I think these are the same feelings I once had for you, but you wonder, are they really, or am I just hiding yet again, I claimed to have these same feelings before, you try to be good, you want to wait, but you’ve waited so long, and I haven’t been honest with you truly, haven’t truly told you how I feel, you know this too. You wish I would tell you, just so you know, I am not sure, so I try to play it the safe way. I ask you to wait, you try, you try rationalizing it, you try to wait, but you just can’t, you can’t wait any longer, this is killing you inside, it is destroying who you are, hurting you more then anything, you just want to know what to do, I cannot make up my mind, I will not make up my mind, and when you decide that it is because I do not love you, I tell you that I do, I tell you that I wished I would have taken the chance, but I didn’t. I CHOSE THIS. I am hiding yet again, and you know it, and you wonder how much you can take, you try to be what I want, and you cannot, it destroys you, and you hate it, you try everything, you can’t go back to the silence, never again it hurts too much, you live in limbo, you hate limbo, you’ve been there before, too many times and for too long.

You are willing to do anything if I would just give you a chance, but I beg you to wait, you try to make me decide, try to show me what I’m doing, to myself and you. I don’t know what to do, I’m afraid, and you wish you could make the decision for me, you hate that I wish you to wait and I will not make anyone else wait, it makes you feel worthless, you do things to numb the pain, you wish you were like everyone else, but you’re not, you can’t just use other people to forget, you cannot, it would destroy you, and you fear the consequences of that. You try to pressure me into a decision, you try everything you can think of, anything.

You wonder, if I care for you so much, why won’t I just be with you, love you, feel the feelings and damn the consequences. I am willing to sacrifice you for someone I barely know, and you wonder how I could care for you if I am willing to do that. You wish for one more chance, forever and always, you wish I would put the other person on hold, if they cared me you the way you care for me, they would wait. I want you to move on, or at least I say I do, who truly knows. I call you every night almost, we talk a lot, the stress and pain causes us to lash out at each other.

Everyone messes up, we hurt each other. You try to be honest, you try to say the right things, and it comes out wrong. You wish it were not that way. When you are with me, everything is right in the world, and you care for nothing else. I say that I feel the same way when you tell me.

You can’t make me answer, no matter the pressure, no matter how much I agree with what you say, or claim to at least. You just want to know how I truly feel, and you wish you could be with me more then anything. You don’t know what to do, you’ve done everything you’ve thought of, well everything reasonable of course. You fear in pressuring me, you have driven me away finally, and forever, and that pains you deeply.

You can no longer wait, you wish you could be someone, anyone else anywhere else, you wish you could live more simply, but you cannot. You fear you’ve made the worse mistake of your life, you wish to move on, and yet cannot, you wish I would only take this gamble with you, damn the consequences and place our bets on each other.
Perhaps I have made up my mind, perhaps I will never make up my mind, I guess you’ll just have to wait and see. Damn you’ve got a lot of experience at this, you’ve tried not being selfish, but have I? What will I do, you don’t know, you truly don’t know, you think you do, and it pains you even more. You fear that I will never face my fear. And that destroys you.

What shall I do, only time will tell, but we all have a limited time, if something would happen to you, you think that I would regret never telling me, and if something happen to me, you think I would also regret never telling me.

You go all in, but you ain’t got shit for cards, you wish I would only do the same. Will I match your bet, just once, or will I walk away and not play my cards, lose or win just so I don’t risk my own chips, or risk taking yours……

OOC: I don't know if anyone will read this, but I thought I should get it out, I figuire at least one person will read this. The only reason I am posting it here is because this is a place for expressing yourself, I figuire how better to express yourself by laying your heart out in words for all to see.

I don't know if the person this adressed to will read their copy(they got a bit more personalized version(I removed my name, their name, and a few sentances that were really too...intimate(private, personal whatever you wish to call it) to put here etc) sorry folks certain things are just too private.

Oh, by the way, I hope you enjoy the read, maybe it'll help someone out in someway, or maybe let them know someone feels the way they feel.

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Lord of War
Posts: 2443
Joined: Sun Feb 16, 2003 8:43 am
Location: Hell's Waiting Room

Post by Warleader » Wed Nov 15, 2006 10:05 pm

The End of a Saga

I wish you the best in all that you do, and hope you have a wonderful life, and find someone who'll treat you well. You have the capacity to be such a great person.

I just couldn't deal with all the crap that you gave me, you could be so nice, and yet such a bitch to me, I always tried to be nice, especially in the beginning, but there comes a point where one(that's me) shouldn't put up with it anymore.

I've been so much happier with you out of my life, for the past few monthes after you came back to work I was torn between not wanting to be with you for fear of what you'd do again(and did) and caring for you and wanting to have a relationship with you again. I dunno why I suppose I thought that if we were back together I could fix you and you would change into the person I once admired. I always tried to help you. We've had similiar discussion to this so I won't continue on further.

Just don't treat anyone else the way you treated me, or you'll find that most other people have less tolerance and forgiveness then I do. (not saying I'm a saint but you gotta admit I put up with a hell of a lot of shit for your sake)

I don't know if you are even reading this, and frankly at this point it doesn't really matter anymore, I hope you do read this, although this is as much for me as it is for you.

I'll always care for you, and I'll never forget you. I forgave you long ago, and every time since that you've hurt me.

I honestly don't know how life will work out for either of us, for our sakes it'll will work out well. And I hope it does.

For now, you've found someone who, my personal opinions aside, seems like a decent enough guy, for his sake, treat him well, and don't treat him so poorly or one day he'll move out of your life too.

I've been trying to get out of your life(and you out of mine) for a while now, now that we don't have to see each other at work I think it will be better for both of us.

And it helps some that I have found a new friend(I'm taking it slow alright, I don't know where it'll go even), she is a good friend of my new sis-in-law so her and I have heard about each other from others(her from my sis-in-law, me from my brother). She's a really nice girl, and when we hang out, we have more fun then either of us have had in years. We both have the same relationship experience even though she's a little older(she'll turn 21 in march) she's pretty and mature(oh and loyality means something to her). We share the same values for the most part. I feel more comfortable, relaxed and open with her then I have ever felt with anyone in my life. Even though we've only known each other for like two weeks, we've talked pretty much every night. Who knows, if nothing else, we'll be really good friends. I don't want to mess this one up.

I hope that for my sake you'll wish me well, but knowing you and your what goes on in your head anything is possible. So you know, what you said about the "Oh you'll find someone within two weeks" doesn't really apply here as you would never have changed your mind, or even if you had within a few weeks you would have just wanted to date somebody else anyways.

And honestly the reason for the break was to see how my life was without you, and as you could see, it was better without you, so I decided to leave all the pain and frusteration behind me, the anger and worry about you is gone.

In all things I wish you well, if we see each other in public I don't see why we can't be sociable. Anyways, in the future I wish you the best, and I hope it all works out for you. As will always be the case, when I think of you, I'll wish you well. I hope you do the same.

As always, sincerely,
- Me

OOC: This one is pretty much the same deal and person as the last one. But this is the last one of these I'll be writting. And FYI(For Ya'lls Information) she did read the last one. She wanted to be friends(and to cheat on her boyfriend with me) I didn't want any part of it. I quit the job I worked with her at, and I'll never return there. So pretty much (thankfully) I never really have to see her again. She'll be out of my life hopefully forever.

One thing to everyone, something I've learned from this whole, wretched experience, sometimes you have to put yourself first, no matter what kind of person you are(I'm a pretty unselfish guy personally, I put others first at my expense). I always looked out for her and defended her, it came to a point where it hurt me to much to continue doing so. I had to stop it, and I did what was necessary to do so.

One last thing if someone is a bitch/asshole to you pretty constantly, give them a limited chance to change, but if they don't, get them out of your life. Don't let someone else bring you down to their level, there are plenty of nice people out there(granted, they can be hard to find).

Anyways, I'm no sage so I'll just shut up now ;) I wish you all the best, if you read this, thanks for reading it. I feel better that it's out of my system, I've been moving on for a while, but now it should be out of my system for good now.

On a parting note. I just want to give a shout out to all the women who have natural red hair and wear glasses, you are all in a league of your own, and are special in a wonderful unique way. Man there's just something about me and red heads with glasses...and here I always thought I liked brunettes. Anyhoo.

Best of luck to everyone. And just so ya'll know, my new friend is more beautiful in every way(personality, morality, and physicality) then the young woman to whom these posts(they were emails actually, usually after she stopped being reasonable on the phone or IM) were originally adressed.

Alright, now I'm going. I promise this time, :P I wish everyone luck on their stories, and hopefully come summer if I'm not still so busy with college I'll be able to write some more stories and post them here.

Best of Luck, and Wishes,

- Me
The quickest way to end a war is to lose it.

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