The Hitchhiker's Guide to a Galaxy Far Way

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The Hitchhiker's Guide to a Galaxy Far Way

Post by xfiend1013 » Tue Dec 14, 2004 1:21 pm

The Hithhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, that wholy remarkable book, has very little to say about The Force.

The Force: A mystical energy field that surrounds and permeates all things. It is created by living things. Anyone believing that they can master and/or manipulate the force is most likely a charlatain or trickster, and is probably seeking donations for his or her or its "Jedi temple."

Arthur Dent had never heard of "the force," even though, on his now-defunct planet, a stranded alien being had created several multi-million dollar blockbusters featuring "the force" as a central theme - all in a desperate attempt to raise enough money to get home. Of course, that alien's dream - and the dreams of more than a few stranded star-beings - had been boiled away into space by the Vogon Construction fleet.

Arthur didn't go to the movies very often. In a few minutes, he would really wish he had gone to the movies. Especially Star Wars. Often.

***

The Heart of Gold, replete with it's Infinite Improbability Drive, suddenly found itself under attack from several blocky, ugly, brick-like ships of the Vogon Construction fleet.

For a construction fleet, the Vogon fleet was heavily armed. Hell, the Vogon Construction fleet was heavily armed for a fully functional battle fleet - in fact, it was the Vogon battle fleet, the only construction Vogons could manage being utter destruction.

Prelate Jelly had named it the "Construction Fleet" because he found it much easier to find races, species, and planets willing to contract out the fleet - which would vaporize the employer upon receiving payment. It made for a lot of job-hopping, but the satisfaction of obliterating the home planet of your boss more than made up for the travel.

Regardless, this contingent of the Construction fleet had managed to corner the most powerful spaceship in the galaxy, piloted by the renegade Galactic President. Using special Nul-O-Number fields, they had disabled the Heart of Golds' Infinite Improbability Drive, which would have allowed the ship to escape to anyplace or time in the universe in an instant.

Onboard, Ford Prefect was trying hard not to panic. Arthur Dent wasn't even trying.

"We're going to die, Ford!" Arthur shouted, his dressing-gown flopping about as wildly as his emotions. He currently had his friend grasped tightly by his striped jacket collar and seemed to believe - at least in his hands - that his survival somehow was inside.

"Cool it, ape!" One of Zaphod Beeblebrox's heads growled, whipping around from the giant view-o-screen. "What's happening, Eddie?" The other head asked the ship computer.

"Well they're blasting our shields with Nul-O-Zap rays, guys!" Eddie cheerfully chimed. "We'll be dead in a matter of minutes. And might I just add, it's been great knowing you guys, really great!"

"No you may not add that!" Ford Prefect moaned. "Why can't we leave?"

"Why, they've got us in an Numerical Disruption field! The Infinite Improbability Drive can't do any math at the moment! Neither can I, come to think of it! Wow! What a wonderfully exceptional moment!"

"Alright Tricia, baby, do some of that astrophysics you do so well." Zaphod said, turning one of his heads (the oggling one) towards the attractive, petite blonde.

"Two plus two is eight." She sighed. "Damnit. Eight times eight is twelve... what?! I... I..."

"You can't do math?! Arthur shouted. "Tricia! You're an astrophysicist!"

"I know that, Arthur!" Tricia shouted. "But math isn't working in here! YOU try it."

"Math isn't really my strong point." Arthur weakly admitted.

"You can hardly use your hands to hold tools." Zaphod grumbled.

"I have an idea." Marvin, the depressed android, said from the corner. "Not that anyone wants to hear it."

"Sure we do, old buddy!" Ford said, shoving Arthur to the side. He wildly tumbled towards the drink dispenser, which was chaotically filling up glasses of Pan-Galactic-Gargle-Blasters and drinking them. Each subsequent drink became messier and larger.

"You're only saying that because if you don't hear my idea, you'll die." Marvin sighed.

"So will you!" Arthur shouted.

"I can hardly wait." Marvin said. "Endless oblivion. Oh how I long for it's void of embrace. Not that it will be any better than this, I suppose. Nothingness isn't all it's cracked up to be."

"Would you just tell us your plan!?" Ford yelled as a Kill-O-Zap ray crackeled wildly through the shields and shook the Heart of Gold.

"Use letters instead of numbers in your coordinates. I'm thinking with letters right now. If your brains were the size of a planet, you'd be coming up with better answers than this. But no. It's always 'go get food. Go get water.' God, you organic beings are reprehensible."

"Alright you half-evolved chunks of sponge!" Zaphod shouted at the unhearing dreadnaughts. "Time for us to go to a better party than this."

He typed in a series of letters and numbers, and the bone-shaped ship made a blur of time of space that spelled out a particularly vicious insult in one alien tongue.

The interstellar war between the Goznizanauts of Gorgol V and the Gozninakhans of Gorgol VI would wage on for centuries due to the hap-hazard rearrangement of the universe.

And the Heart of Gold would find itself hurtling towards a small, desert planet with binary suns, hoping to land and make a few repairs.

"I hope we can get her fixed." Zaphod said.

"I hope there's some tea." Arthur sighed.

"I hope there's a good bar." Ford said. Zaphod nodded both heads in agreement.

"I hope none of you survive this place." Marvin said. "Not that my hopes will be answered."

"Eddie, what is this place?" Tricia asked, naturally ignoring the paranoid android.

"It's called Tatooine." Eddie said. "And boy, does it look like a great place! Dry all the time, lots of heat, lots of wide open spaces, low property values..."

It was going to be a long week for Arthur Dent. He never could get the hang of Tuesdays.

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Post by Scottish Ninja » Wed Jul 06, 2005 3:28 pm

Going back and reading this, I feel the urge to:
A: Thread Necromancy
B: Write. It sounds good. I like it. And after actually seeing the movie and reading the first three books at least (and another Adams book), I get it. And I'd like for it to continue.

And once again, or for the first time, I apologize for this bit of thread necromancy.

And then let's play some cricket.
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"t all has to show impeccable logic and unflawed realism, even if it deals with a different galaxy and an era 3,000 years in the past or the future." - George Lucas

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Post by Master_Cameo_Naton » Wed Jul 06, 2005 5:03 pm

I second that. Somehow I missed this beautiful little gem. :) I've always thought Xfiend wrote in the style of Douglas Adams, and this just proves it. Fiend, you need to come back to this and continue the story! We want more! ;)

And thanks for the necromancy, Scotty. :mrgreen:
Exile from the Exodus... Space Patrol... forever.

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Wretched Hive of Scum and Villany

Post by xfiend1013 » Thu Jul 07, 2005 7:11 am

"Where did you get that droid?" The stormtrooper barked at Ford. He pointed at Martin as two more menacing white-clad plasteel-brained shock troops came up behind him.

"He came with the ship." Zaphod offered. "Say, who are you guys?"

"You stupid desert scum." The trooper scoffed. "Get lost."

"They already are lost." Marvin drolly quipped.

"Yeah, I got two questions." Zaphod said, addressing the stormtrooper fairly directly. "One - where are we?"

"This is Mos Eisley. What's your second question?"

"Where do you guys get your uniforms? I'd got a party I'd like to go to dressed as a...."

"Move along. Move along." The trooper growled, waving them on as his squad approached a speeder containing an old man, a farmboy, and two droids.


"This is worse than London." Ford said.

"This is worse than New York." Arthur added.

"What were you expecting?" Marvin said, slowly and lowly.

"I've never been to this planet." Arthur offered. "Though it does look a little bit like Tunisia."

"It's Ta-too-een" Ford said as they walked

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weird...

Post by xfiend1013 » Thu Jul 07, 2005 9:39 am

OOC: Uhm, my post was chopped off at the end. Weird. Oh well.

IC:

"What are we looking for here in this place?" Trillian asked, shielding her eyes from the suns, which felt compelled to shower tremendous amounts of nuclear energy in the general direction of her retinas.

"Parts for the ship." Ford said. "Or a ship that doesn't twist reality every time we use it."

Arthur commented that he would prefer the latter.

"I thought we were looking for a bar." Zaphod said with his left head. His right head shook furiously, prepared for an argument, then began nodding enthusiastically when it heard what it's cerebral counterpart was proposing.

Ford thought that was a wonderful idea, but didn't say anything.

"Of course you think it's a good idea. You're an alcoholic." Marvin commented. Ford turned around and looked at him.

"How did you know?" He asked.

"If you had a brain the size of a planet, you'd have realized what someone with a tiny brain like yours would do." Marvin said. He sounded as though, at any moment, his voice would simply give up and never function again.

Zaphod thought that would be the best thing that had happened to in a week.

"Now listen here, metal man. We're going to go into a bar, have a few drinks, talk with the locals, see if any of them want to party, then ask around for ship parts."

"What do we need again?" Trillian asked.

"A finite probability brownian motion converter - you know, the things you put into good hot cups of tea to make the whole thing work!" Zaphod said. His heads looked at one another for a moment to see who had said what.

"I could use a good cup of tea." Arthur lamented.

"Don't get me started about needs." Marvin sighed. "But they aren't going to let me into this bar."

"Get out of the way." Trillian said, motioning to Marvin as a small speeder moved past.

"Oh, I wish they'd run me over, put it all to an end." Marvin moaned.

"You'd probably just fall down, break some more diodes, be even more miserable..." Arthur said. "You should get some repairs done, work on yourself a bit, worry about that depression."

"Don't get me started about depression. I know depression, ape man. Here I am, brain the size of a planet..."

Trillian looked around. Ford, Zaphod, and Arthur had already entered the cantina. Behind her, the farmboy she'd seen earlier was shooing a jawa from his speeder.

"Guys!" She shouted, charging in.

Marvin stayed outside. The farmboy, old man, and two droids began heading in after her.

"They won't let you in." Marvin said to the droids. "They don't like your kind in there. I know."

The small, round, garbage-cannish droid beeped and whistled at him.

"How rude!" Marvin and the tall, gold-skinned droid simultaneously replied.

"Don't get me started on rude." Marvin groaned.

***

"I had to explain to that bartender what a pan-galactic gargleblaster was!" Zaphod cried. "Be sure to write that down in the Guide, Ford - don't ask for the big PGGB on, uh - Tunisia, was it?"

"Tatooine." Ford said.

"It looks like Morocco or something." Arthur said. "And I can't help but think it seems somehow familiar."

Trillian suddenly burst into the bar, heading straight for the table with the three men and four heads. When it was the wrong table of three men with four heads, she moved to another table. Zaphod, Arthur, and Ford were there.

"This place is rough." She remarked.

"That just means the drinks are cheap." Zaphod said, tossing back a jury-rigged pan-galactic gargleblaster. "And taste it, too."

"I don't like you, either!" Someone (or something) shouted over at the bar.

Suddenly someone crashed through the crowd, and suddenly a giant laser-powered bread toaster/slicer sprang to life, waved about a bit, slicing off someone's hand.

"At least it's well done." Zaphod said, ducking one head underneath the table.

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Post by High Moff Betts » Thu Jul 07, 2005 11:32 am

Ooc: Ah my favourite book, the second best thread on the forum and I need a third thingy 'cos theres always a third thingy.

Incidentally, G-ster, Fiendy ole buddy ole pal...

What did you think of the 'great and glorious' HHGTTG film? My thoughts were that it could do with a re-edit, better all round direction, better character work, an extra half hour, the funny bits put back in, Zaphod not being a drugged out American has-been rockster and well, actually being Zaphod, which admitantly is basicly above but with some actual intelligence, ford being ford would have been nice as well. But aside from that I actually liked it.

Especially the singing Dolphins. It was pretty much after that bit that the film started sliding for me…

Okay, maybe that’s a little harsher than I actually feel but… still, your thoughts.
"Tucker, there's a very fine line between not listening and not caring. I like to think I walk that line every day." -Church. Red vs. Blue.

‘I swear by my pretty florid bonnet I will end you’ –Mal. Firefly.

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Post by Scottish Ninja » Thu Jul 07, 2005 1:52 pm

Cricket, that's the third. Too bad we don't get any of it here in the US.

One thing I didn't like was the ending, it didn't accomplish anything. This was solved in real life by additional books (kind of).

But I do believe it's on at a nearby theater, so I'll probably be seeing it again.

And fiend, if this goes well, maybe you could write a sixth book. Which somehow will simultaneously keep the characters and not contradict the other five.

And if this ever goes open I'm applying immediately.
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HHGTTG

Post by xfiend1013 » Thu Jul 07, 2005 6:57 pm

OOC: Well, Adam, I did enjoy the movie. It wasn't as good as the books - movies rarely are - but it wasn't total crap, like I was worried it would be. Or like Episode III.

I really liked the singing dolphin sequence, probably my favorite in the whole movie. The parts of the movie that were featured in the book were excellent - all the funny bits come from the book - but the new added-in bits (that longish bit in the middle where they, among other things, cut off one of Zaphod's heads and go to Vogosphere) were pretty flat.

Zaphod was a real downer for me, as well. Ford Prefect, on the other hand, I liked - Mos Def did a good job, but unfortunately, he just doesn't get a lot of screen time, unlike Zaphod and Trillian, who aren't that great in the movie, yet seem to spend an inordinate amount of time up on the screen.

But the humor that was there was excellent, the Heart of Gold and Marvin were very well-done, and the whole thing had a good feel to it (especially the animated sequences from the "Guide.")

Scottish ninja; if you're down for some sort of kilt-clad subterfuge (or, rather, RPing in this thread) you can play pretty much any SW or Hitchhiker's character you wish. IN fact, anyone who wants can consider this the ultimate "open thread," that is - you just have to follow up the previous post with something that fits the style of the thread, is funny, and well written.

Let the experiment begin; necromancy is getting out of hand these days!

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Post by Scottish Ninja » Fri Jul 08, 2005 1:25 pm

OOC: I'll do a little scene that doesn't really touch the pliot, just a few references to other things I've written, and though I can't say I'll capture the essence of the drunken Brit, I'll try.

IC: On the other side of the cantina, two people, distinctly human, sat. Of course, Arthur and Trillian had no idea therere was another survivor from Earth, he being from the former city of Chicago.

The man across from him, sipping at some Alderaanian ale, knowing nothing about that planet's sonn demise, was British. And while he had been to Earth, he wasn't from there. Though every time he had gone, he always took the time to laugh at the Star Wars movies and how inaccurate they were.

John Waite was the name of the non-Earth British man, Austin Reilly the Daleyite. Together they were discussing things, which included how disgusting this cantina was, how bad the drinks were, and Reilly's particular complaint, how they didn't have Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters. He may have been from Earth, but he wasn't uncivilized.

They had merely nodded at the lightsaber flash; Reilly had seen the scene approximately three trillion, five hundred and sixty-seven billion, three million, seventy-four thousand, and twenty-eight times. Not that he was counting, though someone was.

Reilly was the first to notice a stormtrooper enter. Not in armor; he had probably lost it in a sabacc game the other night. After a few seconds, he got a drink, and he judged the white-unarmored man not to be a threat.

OOC: Okay introduction, so far. I have more planned but I'd prefer someone else to make the next move.
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